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New_Device_Stretches_Time
| New Device Stretches Time?
From Zapit "News" by Alex MacCaskill at http://www.zapit.org
Do you always feel short of time? Is 24x7 beginning to feel like
25x8? Who would not want an extra hour a day to deal with all
those emails, voice mails and text messages from colleagues?
The answer may be at hand.
It may seem far-fetched, if not incredible, but after studying
the effects of time on the local populace, scientists in
Polegate, East Sussex, England, believe they have invented a new
device that could provide a solution by actually stopping the
passage of time for up to one hour a day.
This reporter tested the device and is now absolutely convinced
that something astonishing is happening near the normally sleepy
South coast of England.
BACKGROUND
Professor Heinz Siebenundfünfzig of the "Polegate Institute for
Population Studies (annexe)", near Eastbourne, takes up the
story.
‘There is a common perception that time always seems to pass
more quickly when people are enjoying themselves, "having fun",
as it were. Conversely the belief is that time seems to pass
more slowly when tedious, repetitive tasks must be performed,
for example, at work.
We decided to investigate the foundation of this belief and to
discover if there is any scientific justification for it.
Our team of ten researchers spent six months without
interruption observing people at their various places of work.
The same team then spent six months ensconced in places of
recreation, such as bars and night clubs.
A "double-blind" testing approach was used in the bars and clubs
to prevent the conscious or unconscious skewing of results. We
then asked our researchers to compile their reports.
RESULTS
The results were astonishing:
1) The physical and mental effects of ageing actually seemed to
be diminished, if not eliminated, by the subjects having even
mildly enjoyable fun, comparable to watching a favourite
television program with a box of chocolates at hand and one’s
feet kept warm by resting them on a dog’s back.
2) By contrast brainless, drop-jawed tedium immeasurably
increased the effects of time on our minds and bodies,
comparable to the subject watching television shopping channels
or any daytime television.
3) These effects were compared to a median level of just feeling
"normal", such as the subject watching television news involving
neither chocolates nor dogs.
The passage of time on a daily basis is therefore demonstrably
"stretched". We measured this phenomenon with great scientific
precision in extended tests and found a further strange effect.
EMAILS, TEXTS, VOICE MAILS
By asking people to deal with email and other messages from
colleagues in a controlled environment called "FunZone", we
could actually stop time completely by precisely one hour per
day.
Quite why this should happen specifically when dealing with such
messages we are still not sure, though several subjects did
admit that ploughing through emails from colleagues about
something in which they had not the slightest interest had
always made them feel like giving up the will to live, thereby
making time seem to pass more slowly anyway.
Possibly "FunZone" merely accentuated the effects.
However, our next challenge was to prove even greater.
REAL-WORLD APPLICATION
How could the findings be of practical use to the general
populace, since controlled environments are notoriously
difficult to duplicate outside the laboratory? This lead us to
further research and collaboration with some of the many
time-space continuum engineering companies in the area to
develop these findings and to exploit them commercially, if
possible.
The brief: to develop a device that could duplicate the useful
effects of "time-stretching". The aim was to make these devices
easily available in public places, at work or at home. People
could therefore pay to enter them and get the business benefits
of saving an hour per day by dealing with their tedious messages
without wasting time.
Stress would be reduced and productivity improved. Thus the
"P-box" was created.’
THE DEVICE ITSELF
Professor Siebenundfünfzig let me test the device. The capsule
is cylindrical in shape, about two metres in diameter, three in
height; just large enough for one person of average height to
sit down comfortably and dock a laptop computer (on one’s knees,
it must be said). The walls are painted a hazy purple, it is
cosy and warm, with relatively low lighting. No external sound
is audible.
Each person can spend up to one hour within any 24-hour period
in this time-free environment. Just swipe your credit card
(19.99 per hour including broadband access), boot up your laptop
and connect.
PROBLEMS
One problem: the time-stretching effect is only produced, for
some inexplicable reason, by the constant and repeated playing
of a particular piece of music, namely Elton John’s ‘"Candle in
the Wind". In addition, this works only when accompanied by the
display of a monochrome photograph featuring the local council
leaders of whichever town the device is then located.
The Professor forlornly admitted that this could be a major
barrier to the P-box’s wider commercial adoption and that even a
selection of John’s greatest hits did not achieve the same
effect, ‘Not even "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" gets us anywhere
near’ he confirmed, wearily. In addition, no other type of
picture makes the eyes glaze over in quite the same way.
TESTS
I found that the P-box does indeed seem to work, though my
efforts to delete all those unwanted messages were hampered
somewhat by the music which I cannot now stop humming.
Other minor operational issues during R&D have now largely been
resolved. The Professor confirmed that a problem had occurred
one day when the door to the P-box got stuck, trapping a
colleague inside for over three hours.
The Professor gravely indicated the colleague in question, who
now insists on wearing oversized glasses and stack-heeled shoes
in a "flamboyant" manner, while reciting local council bylaws in
an unwavering monotone.
In response to my question about whether people would just use
the device to have a quick snooze, beer, or to fulfil other,
less savoury instincts and lose no time by so doing, the
Professor confirmed that only message-deletion creates the
desired effect.
RULES
Some rules: customers must go to the toilet before entering and
must never consume drinks or food due to the reverse-digestion
effects when exiting the capsule.
‘Very few people have mistaken the P-box for a public toilet
during trials, though we do accept there is some similarity in
design. Hence the door can be opened at any time following some
initial accidents.
Time spent on tedious, live conference calls cannot be avoided
by entering the device: only messages recorded before the time
of entry can be handled.’
I also asked what happens to messages sent and received during
the hour-long stay in the capsule. Apparently these are not
updated until after departure from the P-box. There seems to be
no easy way, therefore, to stop the constant drip-drip of
messages into one’s Inbox, other than getting people to stop
sending them in the first place.
LADIES
Other details: ladies attempting to use the capsule as a way of
delaying the onset of those tell-tale wrinkles will be
disappointed, as time continues to pass outside the P-box during
the one-hour session and any lessening of wrinkles in the P-box
is compensated by increased ageing after exit. Apparently this
can be uncomfortable and disconcerting for onlookers and
domestic pets.
GENTS
Gentlemen who would like to peruse sports magazines or "exotic"
literature should be aware that an automatic detector flags the
carrying of such publications.
Marketing has started with the slogan, "Pop a capsule a day.
Keep those emails at bay!" Other suggestions are welcome.
Devices are intended for airports, train stations and other
public places. Certainly it is a real advantage to be able to
keep things under control in the time before one’s train is due,
even if that is in the next few minutes, rather than offend
other passengers on the train by the overuse of elbows and run
the risk of someone spying over one’s shoulder at vitally
important messages.
Corporate use is discouraged, however, as it is feared that
people would retreat in to P-boxes rather than attend key
management meetings or seminars on ISO Quality Procedures and
Processes.
AT A STATION NEAR YOU (NOT ANYTIME) SOON
Until the P-box device becomes generally available (or
feasible), you can visit the site below to save at least an hour
a day on your messages: http://www.zapit.org
Daily Zapit "News" by Alex MacCaskill © Migration Solutions
(Kelsall) Ltd July 2004. All rights reserved.
About the author:
Global education and training program development, sale and
delivery for HP and others.
Creator of management tools to cut email and web abuse at work:
http://www.zapit.org
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